Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother 1900-2002-eternity

The Queen Mother has risen from the dead, been hailed as the Second Coming of the Messiah, and ascended to Heaven to join Her Almighty Father, Buckingham Palace has announced.

Jinny Pond, The News' Royal Correspondent, arrived at Windsor Castle this morning to prepare to report on the latest news from the scene, and was shocked to discover that there actually was any: the large boulder that had been blocking the entrance to the Castle had been rolled away, and the Queen Mother was no longer inside.

Roll away the stone: the scene at Windsor Castle this morning

Pond telephoned fellow disciple Rick Mitchell to alert him to the story, and he immediately set out to the scene. However, on his way, he met up with some fellow royal correspondents from other stations, near a local hill.

Hill

I am the way, the truth, and the light The Queen Mother, our new Saviour

As they stood discussing the news, they saw a bright light on the hill, and as they approached to investigate, they discovered the Queen Mother Herself, bathed in white light from the clouds above.

"Behold Me, for I am the way, the truth, and the light - part two!" she proclaimed. "And now, I shall rise up to Heaven to be with My Father for all eternity."

With this, She began a slow ascendance into the clouds above, disappearing gradually from the view of Her gasping disciples.

Highway to hill: it is thought that the hill from which She ascended to heaven might look somewhat like this one, in at least as much as being hill-shaped and covered in grass.

Mitchell says that the Queen Mother issued a brief statement regarding her ascension to Heaven prior to the momentous event.

"We were all too agog to record it, but the gist of it was that She would no longer be taking such an active role in public life, but we could be sure that She would be watching over us all from on high," he recalled soon afterwards. "I'm sure we can all take great comfort from that."

Holy Daughter

Reacting to the latest news, the Archbishop of Trotbury, Dr George Scarry, said: "The news of a fourth Member being added to the Holy Trinity comes at a perfect time for the Church. What better way to reach out to people and be more inclusive than to gain an additional, female, figurehead to worship?"

Cynical

Already there have been some cynical attempts to discredit the disciples' accounts of events, however. One anonymous correspondent, e-mailing The News, suggested that they had made the news up. Pointing out that only the "biased" correspondents had seen Her ascension, the e-mailer claims that there is no proof of any such thing happening, and says that Her ascension into Heaven of this morning has the same result as that of yesterday afternoon, and therefore makes little difference anyway.

As anyone familiar with the original Easter story will know, this is patently nonsense.

The Queen Mother is ageless and immortal.

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